Not you Mother's HGH

For dinner tonight I had chicken-pot-pie. As I devoured it, I hearkened back to my youth when my late Mother would make this cornucopia of vegetables and chicken, wrapped in a flaky-golden pie crust. My Mom always said "now eat your vegetables so you'll grow big and strong". At the end of the week, the vegetables that didn't make it off my plate, made it into her chicken pot pie. And I got big and strong.

Back then, the vegetables came out of our garden, and the chicken came from my Grandpa's chicken coop. Looking back, there was nothing fake about it. Everything was right there in the open...right there for the taking and using. Maybe that's why the past tastes better than today.

No offense Ms Callendar.

Today the world is a different place...today everything in "our" chicken pot pie has been laden with unknown artificial ingredients to ensure we perfect the past. Some of this is positive, some of this is negative.

The illogical labeling of HGH as an illegal substance in the professional sports world will take us down a long treacherous, gut-wrenching downward spiral, that will (and in some sports has already) never allow us the free-will to believe in greatness.

Ankiel, Landis, Jones, Byrd...

Remember Shaun Micheel? Yep...he's a user.

My point is not to single out these athlete's, but to cast a wide net of sports this single substance catches.
The single reason athletes are big users of HGH, is there is nothing better that aids in muscle recovery...that means less down-time recovering from a workout or a game, and more time practicing...playing...winning (while we all stand and say GO TEAM!).
The names we have heard are only the tip of the iceberg...now that Jones has owned-up to her usage...this media-driven house of cards will continue to collapse...questioning what we believe in. And whether we should have taken this road to nowhere ever since spotting McGwire with creatine.
My opinion?All sports should legalize HGH at the professional level, so we can have an official roster of users. That way I can chose who I want to believe in, and I can believe in his or her greatness without the questioning that comes with it being illegal.

There's a whole lot of athlete's eating chicken pot pie, getting big and strong.

Problem is...it ain't Mom's.


Thanks for reading. Keep it in the short-grass,

JFB

Which one doesn't belong

My 4-year old and I play a mind-tease game that basically revolves around determining what objects on a given flash card don't belong. "Saxophone"...he'll say, when presented with choices including a boat and car. "You can't drive a saxophone silly" he'll say, as if I came up with this goofy combination. Eerily, I feel Rodney Dangerfield elbow me.

Now I have one for you:

Furyk, Sabbatini, and Langer.

Yes, these Tour players are all vying for the win at today's conclusion of the Colonial. But choose one: As if you need a hint: he belongs on the Senior Tour.

Okay, now that we're on the same page, I need to get some stuff off my chest about what he's doing to the game of golf.

First off...Langer is 50. Now I'm 45, and age discrimination is not pleasant...but dammit...that's why there is a Champions Tour, so geezers like him can shuffle on off to that gray-beard league with their belly-putters, dine with fine wines, park in the front for early-bird prime rib dinners, and cap it off with turn-down service at 7pm.
Another thing...check him for a steroid patch. He's got more aches-and-pains than a Bay-Area bridge, and he comes out of nowhere to contend? I don't buy it.

What drama is it if this guy comes back from the living dead and wins one "for the Gipper". NONE. And that's why it's bad for the Tour.

Okay, I feel better now. But I've just realized something. If you look at the others in the aforementioned group, it's harder to spot the odd-man -out.

Sabbatini (the winner) is the little guy with a big heart that no can see coming...but oh, they can hear!
He's gonna get a few chuckles when he puts on that plaid jacket ("hey...isn't that the Lucky Charm guy from the cereal box?").
Hey 'Tini...one word for your first purchase after you get your paycheck: "lifts".

Finally, Furyk. The man with the homegrown swing. The perfect example of not fixing something if it ain't broke. The dolts at CBS put the swing cam on him...as if they really know what's going on in there...I mean, his swing looks good...if I'm a bowler.

Now that I look at these three guys, the coming-of-age show "Freaks and Geeks" come to mind...so even though they are different, they all have one thing in common...

All these players get no respect...

...and somewhere Rodney is smiling.


Thanks for reading. Keep it in the short-grass,

JFB

Tip of the iceberg

Put this in the I'm so relieved column.

Last month, the first sanctioned tournament that had random-testing for enhancing performance drugs (which I've mused about in my steroids posts) has yielded no cheaters.

A total of 218 players playing in World Amateur Team Championship, an R & A sanctioned event in S. Africa, were under the proverbial microscope in what has initiated a full-out war on drug-use in the golf world. 12 of these golfers were picked at random to test for steroids or recreational drugs.

How they defined random is a sham.

Princeton University (hey, who's gonna argue with them, right?) defines random as: lacking any definite plan or order or purpose.
The R&A apparently has their own version of this definition in which they tell you the plan and the purpose...just not the order.

I'm not kidding! The players were well aware that there would be testing before the tournament and what they were testing for. The only randomness was who were the unlucky schleps that got subjected to peeing in a cup: okay ma'am, now we need a B sample.

I'm sure those 12 had some random words for the officials.

Seriously though, I'm glad that to see there was testing. It got the ball rolling to the LPGA whom will begin testing in '08, and to the PGA whom later this year will draw-up a list of illegal....wait...let me clean that up...I mean we are talking about a gentleman's game...what I meant was a list of inappropriate drugs if the commissioner has reason to believe it's in use.

At first, we all poo-pooed drugs in golf as crazy because "steroids won't make you a better golfer." Then we saw Landis "win" the Tour de France under the influence of HGH. Suddenly there was the potential of abuse.

....now there is a list?

As the venerable Kieth Jackson would say: "whoa nelly"


Thanks for reading. Keep it in the short-grass,

JFB

Vitamin T...it's what's for breakfast

This past weekend, Shaun Micheel had an unbelievable run during the World Match Play Championship only to lose to an equally impressive Paul Casey. Shaun's pinnacle of the week was knocking off a Tiger.

In fact Shaun has had a very impressive run of late....3 top 10's, earning over a million so far this year.

That should buy him a really good supply of AndroGel.

Yeah...the whole golf world knows about his professed "Low T" problem, but for some reason everyone (including the media) seems ok with it.

How is it that Mark McGwire gets vilified for using Andro pills, creating a witchhunt that has turned the baseball world inside out...yet a pro golfer (from the US no less) uses a gel form to alleviate "symptoms" that half the population has (depression, irritableness, loss of sex drive...etc)....wins over a million since his "diagnosis" in '05....and we act as if everything is normal.

I'd bet you dimes to donuts Tiger isn't ok with it either, and I think that's why he put a little alchohol on Finchems festering wound a couple weeks ago.
His loss to Shaun in the first round last week really should have magnified this situation.
Don't you find it a little odd that Tiger (winner of 4 in a row) goes out early against a guy that hasn't won since the '03 PGA....has had 3 different instructors since then, and has been about as unfamiliar to a leaderboard as King Finchem is to drug-use-reality? In '05, Shaun's wife suggests he get tested for a "low energy ailment"...the Doc finds he has "Low T", prescribes a gel that Shaun rubs into his shoulders. Miraculously he is "cured", and is suddenly a threat to place in every tournament.

I want to know; did this "Doc" also screen from anemia, adrenal insufficiency, depression, medication side effects? Does Shaun have AIDS (45% have low T)? Is he 77 years old with osteoporosis (over half)?

No, he's a guy in his 30's looking for a fix. And the PGA is too stupid to question why he should be allowed to compete in this game. A game that according to King Finch "has players that are held at the high standards of the game."

By the way, one of the gazillion "symptoms" of "Low T" is grouchiness (I'M NOT KIDDING): During Shaun's final round at the Worlds, he was hacking it all over the place like a cat with a hairball stuck in its throat, when he lashed out at his caddy on the 17th hole: "don't say another word to me today"

...guess Shaun forgot to cycle his meds.


Thanks for reading. Keep it in the short-grass,

JFB

Steroids: the smoke screen for the real drugs

It what is reminiscent of AOL perusing farmland in MA , The R & A will start testing its players for performance-enhancing drugs. This needle-in-a-haystack approach will start with this years world amateur team championship in Cape Town South Africa.

Is this just chest-pounding? Or is it the first volley in what could be an explosion of finger-pointing and second-guessing for the Teflon-proofed golf world.

If you listen to the PGA's Finchem...he believes that "just telling his players what the rules are" is good enough.

Okaaaay.

And if you listen to Tiger Woods "being proactive instead of reactive" is a better way to go.

Thanks Tiger.

Of course, neither is going to give the media a straight answer on what should be done to prevent performance-enhancing drugs in the sport.

But I will.

I bet the first thing you thought of when you read the words performance-enhancing drugs, was steroids. But you'd be wrong. Steroids aren't the real issue.

Thanks to baseball...steroid is the buzz-word of our era. Joe Public knows steroids as making ones muscles and forehead's pop out.....and privates shrink.
So everyone is thinking: that could never be used for golf right? This is all just poppycock....right?

Enter Floyd Landis. The Tour de France whipping boy.

Suddenly, thanks to the media's infatuation of an American cyclists "low testosterone" levels, everyone now knows that you can get "up"(no pun intended) for an event with products other than steroids.

Now, the real issue is drugs: ADHD drugs, Epogen and Testosterone patches. ADHD drugs give you better concentration, Epo gives you more oxygen in your blood, Testosterone aids the body's recovery time. All help you excel in (among other things) sports. All are on the black market (try your local college). All are readily accessible (Floyd can hook you up).

The golf Tours know there are problems. Trust me, someone knows something that could break the camels back. Why else the call for testing this year?

The reason that golf has been under the radar is because of media's (thus Joe Public's) focus on the wrong "performance therapies".

I'm reminded of a prescient quote by Thomas A Edison: "If there's a way to do it better...find it."

Unfortunately for golf, we're about to find it.

Thanks for reading. Keep it in the short-grass,

JFB

IED's are all the rage

Doc, I admit it, I have IED (Intermittant Explosive Disorder), (not to be confused with the more potent IED's which keeps our soldiers on alert).

It all started when I was about 14 in contention at a local junior tournament. I shanked an easy wedge shot....took the club, and wrapped it around my bag so hard that I bent 3 other shafts in my bag. I played the rest of the round steamed.

Doc, I know what you're going to say: "Son, you have to have 3 episodes a year to qualify for this disorder."

Doc, you play golf? "Oh yes, several times a year, love the game."

Ever hit your ball in a hazard? "Oh, yes, yes I have...why just the other day I played a par 3 over water, my shot never saw dry land.....now the club, and bag are at the bottom of the lake....did you know that the Nike Sasquatch floats?"

Uh, no, I didn't.

"Well it does! And it takes a helluva windup to wrap a Calloway around another golfer. I found that out last week when I took a divot so deep, the sonofabitch asked me if he could plant an Azalea in it....that really pissed me off."

Hmmmm, you don't say.

Well, doc...I'm glad we could have this therapy session. I'll be leaving know...I'll see my way out.

"Hey, wait up! I'm playin' in a little charity golf tournament for IED survivors next week at the country club. We could use a ringer like you....can I count you in?"

Uh..no doc....you know I'd love to, but...omigosh! Look at the time! Gotta go.


Thanks for reading. Keep it in the short-grass,

JFB