Hello Americans. I hear-by stand before you to say that our State of Golf is healthy.
For professionals, not amateurs.
Tonight, I will provide talking points for initiatives that I wish to be subsidized by the 2 organizations that are gaining the most benefit from the game...the PGA and the LPGA. Yes, it will require bipartisanship, but if we work together we can make this game one that more people than ever will enjoy. My plan, as I stand here tonight, guarantees that this great game will thrive beyond a select few, and will rather be a game of the masses.
I will require that every golfer be a card-carrying...handicap index holder. This will be monitored on the golf course to guarantee no one crosses the borders of wanting to play gold tees, when clearly his or her index card says they should stay over on the white tees.
We will tighten-up the penalties for this offense. Violators will no longer incur strokes. Instead, bludgeons to the head will be inflicted, with an off-the-rack Sumo 2 driver.
I've had a heart-to-heart with every human resource director throughout our great nation, and tonight I can declare that from now on there will be no more sick days...instead, they will be categorized as golf days. These days, will come with the same benefits as their former, but without the stress of getting caught in a lie...I mean, we all know what's really going on anyways, let's just call a spade a spade.
To reduce the widespread affliction of IED's among golfers, I have introduced a bill in both the House and Senate that if passed, will provide one mulligan per round...yes, it can even be used on par 3's!
To eliminate the threat of bird flu, I have attached to that that same bill incentives for golf clubs to hire professional Border Collies to shoo-off Canadian Geese that leave poop the size of puppy Chihuahua's around the golf course.
Finally, to alleviate "the going problem", I will require port-o-lets on every-other hole, and for "dry mouth that can be associated with dehydration", a water cooler with filtered drinking water on every-other hole.
War on Terrorism
Terrorism that is...on our golf courses. As of tonight, we are introducing a new golf ball that will be the standard for design and performance. It is a cross between gutta percha and balata. This will be the first and last ball ever invented...and by next week...will be the only ball manufactured and sold. The folks over at Top Flite aren't doing anything this year, so they will provide our country with the first batch.
Since he has some free time, Hootie Johnson will be handing out the first dozen.
Golf clubs can still enjoy free-market capitalism, and the freedom of innovation. I should warn you though, hitting one of these balls with Callaway's Fusion FT-3, will flatten the ball flatter than oh...say...Kansas.
Clean Fuel Initiatives
After seeing "An Inconvenient Truth", and getting the be-Jesus scared outta me, I've instituted some earth-friendly tax breaks.
There will be major tax advantages for clubs that switch out their I-can't-believe-the-size-of-that-carbon-footprint, Jurassic-era gas golf carts, and replace them with battery-powered carts.
Finally, I'd like to end on a note that will affect every one of us in our pocketbook. The amount raised however, will be matched by the PGA/LPGA, so it is a fair and balanced approach.
Tee tax: a penny for ever wooden tee purchased to pay for replenishing woodlands.
Cart tax: a sawbuck for every cart rented to pay for refurbishing cart paths.
Mulligan tax: as mentioned, there will be one granted, but there will be others available for purchase. The amount raised pays for divot-repair, window-breakage and underwater ball-retriever salaries.
Canadian golfer tax: hey, somebody has to pay for the removal of Canadian geese.
My fellow Americans, I believe I have presented you with ways to make golf great again. Only with you, and with Congress's support, will we be able to enjoy the round of golf that we deserve in this great country.
Now if you'll excuse me...I'm late for my tee time.
Thanks for reading. Keep it in the short-grass,